[Editor’s note: Our friends over at Bad Christian have just released a fantastic e-book called “The M Word,” and they asked Craig Gross to write the foreword for it. We really like what Craig wrote, so we thought we’d share it with you today. If you’d like to order the book, go here.]
When we started working on the very first version of XXXchurch.com back in 2001, we developed a website aimed specifically at men who struggled with porn. Didn’t even think twice about that focus. Then we launched the site in 2002, and one of the first emails we got said this:
“What about us girls?”
I was blindsided. I’d had no clue.
Women like porn?
Women want to have an orgasm during sex every time… just like men?
It seems obvious now, but, you see, I grew up in the church. And I don’t know about your church, but the few times sex ever got talked about at mine, it happened during the youth group meetings when the girls and boys went into two groups. The boys talked about porn and masturbation while the girls talked about all the guys who were jacking off.
Well, that was 1989, when we made a lot of mistakes like feeling humiliation toward sex and giving Grammy awards to Milli Vanilli. Welcome to 2014, where more and more of us are learning that women and men share some of the same struggles when it comes to sex. (Tweet This!)
I will hold to my contention that guys are generally more visual than women, but that doesn’t mean women are not interested in porn or struggling with it. We know that now. We hear from these women all the time.
One of the first things we did after launching XXXchurch.com was start a section on the site specifically for women. We started writing about and addressing this topic for women by women, and we’ve seen a response similar to what the guys at Bad Christian discovered after one of their articles about masturbation.
I now understand that, not only do women deal with this issue, but they also carry around more shame and more guilt than guys do.
Why? Because deep down inside they think they there is something even more wrong with them. They feel the weight of expectation: they are not supposed to be watching this; guys are. Right?
Wrong. This book is a mind-blowing collection of stories that prove it. There are just a few, but I can assure you that for every story you read in this book, thousands and thousands more just like them are being lived out in shame, guilt, and secrecy in the real world.
These stories are real, honest, and unfiltered, and that is how they should be. (Tweet This!) Because that’s life.
I love what the guys at Bad Christian are doing because they’re not afraid of these issues. You shouldn’t be, either. If you’re reading this and you’re a guy, I just want to tell you that the porn you watch in no way should become your sex education or give you ideas to what you should do in bed. Porn isn’t real any more than the Transformers or Batman movies are. (Tweet This!)
My heart breaks as I read some of these stories of women who got into watching porn so they could “learn” how to be the perfect girlfriend. Guys, don’t ask your girlfriend to watch porn or do the things you watch in porn. You might as well ask them to convert themselves into a Trans Am or punch out The Joker.
If you’re a woman, please know this: you are not alone. (Tweet This!) You are loved, and there are others out there who understand exactly what you’re going through. They’ve even been where you are right now. Don’t believe the lie that you are damaged goods, or that you need to do this to be loved. You are already loved, and I would encourage you to find a few people with whom you can be open and honest with about life, porn, sex and everything else. If you don’t know anyone, contact us and we’ll help you out. Stop hiding. Bring this stuff into the light.
If you need help, we have a lot of things to offer at XXXchurch.com; let me just tell you about two of them.
#1. X3groups. These are small groups with 1 leader and 10 participants that meet once a week. As I write this, we have over 40 different groups going, so you can find a time that works for you. We have groups for men, women, pastors, those struggling with SSA, and new groups starting for spouses. Check out X3groups.com to get started today and get connected with other women who are on the same journey as you.
#2. X3watch. If you listen to the Bad Christian podcast then you’ve probably heard about X3watch. (In my opinion, the segment each week they talk about X3watch is way better than their crappy news segment.) Seriously, though, these guys talk about this stuff in an honest and open way because they are not living with the shame and guilt of those who hide. X3watch helps you live a better, more open, and thoroughly honest life. It’s software that monitors where you go online and lets a friend know if you go anywhere you shouldn’t. Head over to X3watch.com and use the code “BADCHRISTIAN” for 50% off.
That’s all I got. I hope you enjoy this e-book, but beyond that, I hope it spurs you to take action. Get help if you need it; be help to someone if you don’t. And if our ministry can help you in any way, feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Touching On The M Word by Craig Gross is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.