The marital sex life catches a bad rap.
So many people think that marital sex must be boring because it is with the same person for the rest of your life. I think that the monogamy is what KEEPS IT FROM being boring.
Think about it – you ARE with the same person over and over again, so you’re able to practice… over and over again. Practice makes perfect, right?
The question, “what is allowed in the marriage bed?” comes up pretty often (another reason some think that marital sex must be boring: rules!). If the Bible laid out direct laws about sex – other than infidelity, of course – this would be such an easier, black-and-white topic! Alas, it is not. That said, though, let’s start with what should absolutely NOT be allowed due to the harm it can cause:
Other people should never be a part of your intimate relationship. This particular no-no is also called “infidelity.” Jesus even went a step further and said that having lust for someone when you look at them is infidelity. That means no pornography either, guys! Adding people, having someone on the side, looking at other people having sex (on screen or off) will only damage your relationship. It destroys marriages more times than not. Trust me on this one. When my husband and I were struggling with pornography in our marriage, it only led to problems, and tore our sex life apart. This infidelity left us picking up the pieces for years and years. Don’t do it. Simply put, sex should only involve you and your spouse.
Anything that can harm you or your spouse physically or psychologically should be out, too. Physically speaking, you should never want to hurt one another. I know that some people would say that they enjoy being slapped, choked, etc., but that type of sex is demeaning and can make the other person feel uncomfortable. If something is uncomfortable or hurting you, speak up and try something else. You should never pressure your spouse or feel pressured by your spouse to do things that physically hurt. Sex that hurts will lead to less sex. Sex that hurts will lead to psychological damage.
Speaking of the psychological aspect of sex – always make sure that whatever you and your spouse are doing is respectful and loving. Neither of you should ever feel like an object. Again – when porn was an issue in my marriage – I constantly felt objectified. Sex was only about him, and never about us. The way I thought about sex changed in a horrible way during those years. I equated sex to “doing a chore.” You and your spouse should never feel that way. You should both feel connected. You should both feel loved. Make sure that everything you do together in bed is mutual. Nothing should be one sided. When I didn’t feel connected, and things were one-sided, I hated every moment of sex. When one spouse starts to feel this way, it leads to resentment and less sex. No one wants that.
Which brings us to the bottom line: if you and your spouse are not hurting each other or adding another party, you are open to do what you would like. That is the best part! This is the part where you can explore each other without shame. Discuss what feels good and what doesn’t. Talk about what you would like to try and what your spouse would like to try. Speak to your spouse openly and honestly. This intimate part of your relationship should be a safe place where both of you can be honest and vulnerable.
After my husband and I reached a point of a healthy sexuality in our relationship, we were able to become better lovers to one another. The freedom of being able to speak and not feel rejected or objectified allowed us to have a dramatically better sex life.
Now, every couple is different, and there will be things that are okay for you and your spouse (which NEVER include infidelity or abuse) that would not be okay for me and my spouse, and vice versa. That is another awesome thing about a marital sex life. It isn’t about what everyone else does, it is about what you and your spouse do in that time together.
Your sex life is not in comparison with anyone else’s sex life.
If you and your spouse are at a loss, check out these 3 free videos from Fighting for My Marriage and Stronger Marriages for even more encouragement in your sex life and marriage in general.
Finally, don’t forget to pray about it. God is the creator of sex. He wants you to experience the full extent of enjoyment that sex brings. Marital sex does not have to be boring because of monogamy or “rules.” Make it your own. Allow yourself to relax, and just be in the moment to connect with your spouse.
Now… Go and practice!